My father died three years ago today. They say time heals, but aside from not knowing who "they" are, I'm going to politely disagree with them.
Time tends to file down the edge of the shock of loss. It dulls the rawness into an ongoing form of numb. It gives you perspective to figure out where you go from here. But it does not heal, for healing implies a return to what you were before. And that's just not how it seems to play out.
But the flip side of being given the gift of life in the first place is that we will have to deal with its loss - both of those who matter to us and, eventually, of our own. So we treasure what we have as long as we have it, mourn its loss when we no longer do, and do our best to avoid regretting any of it along the way.
I'd rather it be this way than any other. At least we're here to mull its meaning and learn for the future. At least I still have so much in my own life, compared to others who do not.
Your turn: How do you move on from loss?
You cannot move on from loss. Do not try. You just must face every day with the best energy you can muster. Set aside some time each week to honor your father and to miss him. Then promise yourself that the rest of the week you will work hard, love your family and cherish yourself as your father would certainly have wanted. There is no moving on. Just accepting it each day.
ReplyDeleteHow I have personally moved on is to look back on that person's life.. to see what I have learned from them, to also see if I have changed just by being in their life...I've learned alot as far has how I have handled the loss..The ones I have lost have left a legacy to the ones who knew them... My Dad was a hard person to live with and over the years I grew to understand his ways.. and I have also learned that the things that separated us taught me to make sure I did not do the same things he did/said w/my own kids... In the end we came full circle and had a better relationship... No regrets..
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I do...I just do. When my dad died, it was almost a relief, because his last couple of years were so unkind to him that it went way beyond feeling unfair. Dying was his escape, I think, the only way he was going to step past the loss of control of his own body, the only way he was getting his mind back.
ReplyDeleteThe circumstances matter, I think. It's been far easier to move on from that than it has been from losing my father in law. But it just happens, I think. Not really sure how...
I can't add more to your post, i agree fully !
ReplyDeleteMy dad died in 1997. One never gets over such a loss. What helps me is thinking about what he would want for me. Pain? Sorrow? Perhaps depression? Not my dad. How much of my life would he like me to sacrifice mourning him? None. I know it is true, because that is the way I feel about my kids.
ReplyDeleteThanks, dad. I'm having a great life.
Three years also, although in April, I lost my wife Louise and our twins she was carrying, she was 12 weeks at the time..
ReplyDeleteI don't think you ever 'move on' nor do you ever 'forget', but moreso, you adapt and change, as these are our loved ones and forever in our hearts...
I think that by constantly talking about them, keeps them in our thoughts...
Man hugs my friend, stay strong, and always remember...
Today I was in my creative space and a song came on my IPod. Sundays are the worst for missing my dad and I started crying. I decided to sit still with my pain and the music, letting it all wash over me. I felt lonely and alone, two years out, in my grief. Let it wash over you, Carmi. You're a different person for having lost him, but your empathy shines through. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and asking for ours.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally with you Carmi! I lost my dad 4 years ago this past July and it still kills.
ReplyDeleteI empathize with you greatly.
((hugs))
Having lost both of my parents, I too feel just as you, and their loss is not a wound that will ever heal. If it ever did I'd surely not be worth while myself. I know your father would want you to keep his memory alive, live without hurting and be happy.
ReplyDeleteNick Murphy
ReplyDeleteI see my father every day when I look in the mirror. I experience him in my mannerisms that immediately remind me of him.
I believe our parents live on in their children. Your father lives on in you as hoaky as that may sound. Take joy in that.
Carmi, I am so sorry & send you hugs. I am afraid I have no answers. I don't know what I'm going to do when this sucktastic situation hits me.
ReplyDeleteCarmi, I'm sorry. I'm not sure it's anything you ever get over, but the pain eases with time. The wonderful memories help :-)
ReplyDeleteI lost my Dad at 15 minutes to midnight on New Years Eve 2008. I still miss him and talk about him often, but like JJ said, my Dad wouldn't want me to be sad. Being happy and enjoying life, that's what would be the best way to honor his life.
Hugs to you and your family.