I still need tires, though

Get a grip
London, ON
November 2018
This photo originally shared on Instagram

It's been almost two months since we got the call about my brother, and our universe seemingly turned on its axis and failed to return to its previous position and direction. Indeed, it never will. Because there is no "normal", no pivot back to anything remotely resembling routine.

One of my my go-to responses to crisis is to hunker down and go quiet. It's partly because I need to focus on the task at hand, and because I freaking need my space.

Even at the best of times, I've never been much of a phone talker or serial emailer, often taking my sweet time to return messages - if I returned them at all. Now it's infinitely worse, as I literally don't want to speak to people. It's exhausting to find the words, to not betray what's boiling up below the surface.

There's a small circle of people to whom this doesn't apply: wife, kids, the closest of friends. But everyone else, I avert their gaze and keep walking, hoping they won't draw me in.

Yup, I'm nasty that way.

But the thing is, you can't stop living just because your brain has decided it now hates to communicate with the outside world. Groceries need to be bought. You need to show up at work and be your usual super-productive self. Kids need to be brought where they need to go, and helped with homework.

And, as you can guess from this picture, winter tires need to be bought lest you slide your beloved red car off an icy road.

Tires or no tires, life outside your own continues to move at its own pace, in its own way. At the same time, you don't "get over" trauma, either, and you don't return to the way things were before. But stuff still needs to get done. Which explains why today I'm gritting my teeth and calling around for quotes on freaking tires.

Because no one cares what just happened to you and your family. They, too, have their own stuff to deal with. They probably need to put winter tires on their own cars, too.

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