Saturday, May 28, 2005

Weekend humor

I think after the week we've all had, now is a good time for a laugh or two. Humor always manages to put the flotsam of life into its proper perspective, and reminds us what really matters.

Your turn: If you have any gems in your archives, I hope you'll consider pasting them into a comment - or to your blog, and linking from a comment - so the laughter will continue.

Thanks to Trillian for sharing this. She has a laser-like ability to scrounge the funniest material from the Net.

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Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned... and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... a true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

19 comments:

Guppyman said...

LOL


Hello, Michele sent me.

Jennie said...

Hi Carmi, I enjoy reading your blog. I have a funny that makes me smile every time I think of it. I asked my (then) 5 year old to go get "all the little red clothes hangers" out of his wardrobe and bring them to me in the laundry room so I could put up some of his shirts. It was taking him forever, and I was just about to go find out what he was doing when he came down the steps holding a giant tangle of hangers. I asked, "Did you have trouble getting the wardrobe doors open?" He said, "No. It just took so long to get all those shirts off of all those hangers!"

Jennifer said...

Too funny! Thanks for the laughs! And to Michele, for sending me over. :-)

Jennifer

http://chapternext.typepad.com

Cara said...

Hi Carmi! I loved all of the testimonials but I believe that the one that actually happened to you was my favorite!
I have a "funny" posted on my blog today...it's the only thing I've posted today. Feel free to check it out!
I'm here by way of Michele!

Tammy said...

LOL...thanks for the giggles!

Michele sent me. :)

Lu said...

HILARIOUS!!

great site...gonna poke around for awhile.... :)

here from michele's

Lu

Kristen said...

Oh man..Your testemonies are spectacular! thanks for stoppin in and I think I may have to return to yours!

Melonie said...

LOL! Carmi you and I must have posted at the same time on Michele's! I promise to visit more now that school is out.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Return visit from my place:

"farts..."

"inches..."

Ho ho har de har har.

Where have you been all my life?

tinkamarink said...

Here via your visit with Michele's M&G.

Oh so funny and I am truly grateful that my little monsters haven't subjected me to these kinds of horror stories.

Thumper said...

Soda
Out
My
Nose

LOL

Rachel - Wicked Ink said...

OMG - Tears are streaming down my face and I have choked on my chocolate covered espresso bean!!!

#4 really had me going - so like something my child would say!!!

thanks for sharing this!

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Hi Carmi, I came here all by myself - and I'm glad I did, these are hilarious! Thanks! You asked for links to humorous posts from our archives: the one at http://realefun.blogspot.com/2004/08/art-for-arts-sake.html has raised a few chuckles from people. (There's a happy ending, too, as the person concerned is now miraculously in remission.)

Heather said...

One time I saw a guy I know from work at Target. We usually wear scrubs at work and I was in street clothes. I said hello and he looked at me and said, "I didn't recognize you with your clothes on." There were some funny looks from a few ladies standing nearby.

Michele sent me! Thanks for the laughs:-)

-xtessa- said...

hey! came via michele's!

ROFLMAO!!! man, that made me spurt out my drink! kids... they do have that tendency to embarrass you. the farting thing, happened to me too many times.

Heather said...

Thanks for your kind comment on my blog, Carmi! I am blogrolling you!

Angie said...

So funny! Thanks for the laughs.
Hi via Michele. :)

jadedprimadonna said...

Thanks for that - I needed the laughs on this sleepy, raining Monday morning. =o)

L said...

these were great :)