Sunday, December 25, 2005

The physics of Santa Claus - Redux

Just before Christmas last year, I posted a scientific analysis of the rotund red-suited guy - The Physics of Santa Claus - to Written Inc. In the interest of a new annual tradition, I invite you to click the link and re-read what has rapidly become a seasonal classic.

Your turn: Got any other holiday funnies to share? Either post 'em in a comment or drop me a link.

(And if you're celebrating this holiday, I'd like to wish you the merriest Christmas imaginable. No, I didn't wish anyone a generic happy holiday or season's greeting. I said, "Merry Christmas." I meant it, PC-zealots be damned.)

15 comments:

Plumkrazzee said...

Hilarious. Thanks for the Christmas wishes, too, Carmi....and Merry Christmas back atcha' (and if it's not Christmas, sustitute your favorite holiday in it's place) I'm not known to be entirely PC, thanks for the smile!

utenzi said...

I'll match your "merry christmas" with a Happy Hanukkah (at sundown, anyway), Carmi--PC zealots be damned!

Happy Holidays! (dammit, my resolve weakened)

Uisce said...

I just wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas!

FuzzBuck Fuzz said...

Hey Carmi, long time no see ;) ... i'll catch up over the next few weeks.

Michele sent me to wish you a hapy xmas :D

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Good Morning, dear Carmi..
I'm here from Michele this morning...
I LOVE your Santa piece...LOL!

Once again, I wish you a very Happy Hanukah!!!

A pleasure getting to know you through Blogging, Carmi...

Oreo said...

Merry Christmas to you & your family!

Courtney said...

Carmi,
Happy Hanukkah to you and your family!

ribbiticus said...

very funny. absolutely credible points there. too bad, i'd rather suspend my disbelief for this season - lol!

here's wishing you and your family a most blessed christmas/hanukkah, carmi! :)

Steph said...

My most recent post was very politically incorrect. Hey, it's Christmas! :)
Merry Christmas Carmi!

netchick said...

Hey Carmi! Merry Christmas! I do have a funny story... Go check out my site for a conversation I had with my neice last night!

Hope you are having a great Christmas Day...

Cheers!

Cylithria™ said...

Happy Holidays!!!

Plain Jane said...

Carmi,

I'm so glad to have found your blog and while I suppose that's a "thankfulness" I might have delivered at Thanksgiving, I'm adding it into the mix now.

I hope you and your loved ones have a safe, happy and healthy holiday - including Christmas. :)

kenju said...

Thanks, Carmi! And you and your family have a Happy Hanukkah too.

Shelli said...

Somehow, even though my browser is supposedly set to update pages upon reload, I didn't see any new posts until today since the faces in the stone post on the 17th. I don't know what on earth was going on. I will have to catch up.

Happy Hanukkah to you and thanks for the Christmas wishes. Here is my Christmas funny:

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my son's boy scout uniform with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

Merry Christmas!

patricia said...

Hope you had a great Christmas. Here's a link to my holiday story:
http://storms.typepad.com/booklust/2005/12/a_heartwarming_.html