Monday, October 05, 2009

Missing my critic

Today I took a trip I've taken so many times before, to the television studio a few kilometers from our house. It was a nice day, so I biked the route, leaving early enough that I could cruise along and feel the wind on my face.

I was scheduled to chat with CTV Montreal, my hometown station (also known as CFCF and Channel 12) about Canada's tech landscape in the wake of the Nortel asset selloff. It was my first television interview since my father passed away, and I was scared that I wouldn't make it through the 4-ish minute chat without freezing up or otherwise losing it.

We were taping it, so I knew there was a bit of a safety net. But I've never liked safety nets, and every time the red light goes on, I chat away as if it's live even if it isn't. So this time, as I settled into the chair, I stared intently at the red light, focused on my voice, reviewed my talking points in my head and prayed I had what it took to make it through.

In the end, the hit went well, and I was happy that we covered the ground we wanted to cover, and I didn't melt down on camera. For a few brief minutes, it felt good to bear down on a topic and explore it in detail with an anchor, Todd van der Hayden, who clearly understood the guts of the story. For a few brief minutes, I was Carmi the analyst.

After we were done, I got back on my bike and slowly headed back home. As I turned the first corner in the quiet suburb, I thought about how this would be the first interview where my father wouldn't be around to critique my performance, or comment on how little time they gave me, or share his thoughts on the shirt/tie combination that I wore that day. I guess I'll have to get used to not having my built-in critic around from now on.

If you're in Montreal, the interview airs tomorrow (Tuesday, October 6) on the noon-hour newscast. It'll probably hit the air sometime around 12:30 p.m. EDT. I'll post the link here when it's uploaded to the station's website.


Breeze said...

All the firsts are so hard. My dad passed in 1998. I avoid his birthday, my husband doesn't get a father's day card from me because I can't read them, the kids pick out their own really super sucks big time. But it gets easier as time goes on. The memories are sweeter and less painful. But the firsts..yeah, those are the pits.

Take care Carmi


lissa said...

I've put the time into my cell phone alarm, so I'll be watching. And I'll watch knowing what you were going through that whole time. But I'll also watch knowing that your dad is right there with you - you just can't hear his physical voice. My heart aches for your loss, Carmi, as you know, and you are feeling it so keenly it brings back memories of my own loss. But that serves to remind me that over time, the sharpest pain dulls and coping sets in. You're going to be fine - but you give yourself that time to get there. Take the steps like the interviews, and the stories you write, and all those difficult first steps you must take.

And - Y.N.A. (remember the mantra..?)

Hugs and love.

Mojo said...

Breeze is right. The "firsts" are the ubersuck. The first birthday, first anniversary, first Christmas/Hanukkah, and for a while, every time you turn around it'll be the first "something". And it sucks, and it hurts and it's hard.

But that's what friends and family are for, to make those hard spots hurt less.

Rinkly Rimes said...

It used to be known, in my long ago youth as 'taking you out of yourself'. I hope it worked for a while.

sealaura said...

dear carmi,
breeze hit it on the nail, firsts are hard after a loss. I can't say I have been in your shoes but I am sorry for you are having these tough moments.

thinking of you.