Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Me and my dad


Family resemblance
Laval, QC, August 2009


I've been avoiding looking at pictures of my father because, to be honest, it's been hard. Just when I think I've reached a point where I think I'm fine, I encounter a trigger and suddenly I realize I'm not there yet. The other night it was an innocent comment from another parent when I picked my daughter up from a friend's house. Then it was a particular tune that came up on my iPod as I drove home from work. It could be anything, really. It pops into my head, and then I'm sad.

But I realize I can't avoid it forever. At some point I have to start reviewing and processing the images that have sat unseen on my backup drive, gathering virtual dust since that awful day last September.

That "some point" came, haltingly, earlier this evening. I was flipping through some folders when, without planning or warning, my mouse stopped on this one. It was taken just over a month before he died. He passed away so suddenly that none of us got a chance to say goodbye. Perhaps as a means of preparing myself, I had taken countless pictures of him and my mom over the past number of years. Because we never knew if and when, and I didn't want to be left with nothing tangible. Photos are such concrete memories to me that I felt an archive of views of my parents would bring me comfort someday.

I don't think I can honestly say they bring me comfort, even now. Five months later, it's still too new, too raw. But even if I don't look at them - look at him - all that often or at all, it brings me a strange sense of peace simply knowing that I have them. Maybe someday...

16 comments:

Kay said...

I am fortunate to still have both of my parents, but the thought, the thought alone (selfish, but I have always wanted to go first)...it just... it is so sad. and the blessing lies in that you are a spitting image of your dad, he is still here, within you (sorry if that sounded wrong)

AussiePomm said...

Oh Carmi...

I so FEEL your pain... After loosing my wife last April, I find, the more I talk about her, remember her and even talk to her, then I am not sad. I say this because when I am sad, I then think of her, and this makes it seem better. I even blog about her as often as I can! (http://blog.aussiepomm.info/2010/02/thursday-thirteen-1.html)

For me, it is now 10 months... And whilst it is not easier, it is getting there. I still have to wait out a Coronial Enquirery, so until that is over, I still have no closure.

Stay strong my friend...

MB said...

I love this picture of you and your Dad. You both have that glint in your eyes and really lucked out in the gene pool.

Mark said...

This is a great expression of something that I can only imagine. Like Kay, I still have both my parents.

Maybe your words on the subject of loss will help others when they go through it.

tiff said...

Even more than 18 years later, the sudden death of my much-loved Dad still occasionally stings. Take all the time you need to grieve in the way you need to, and eventually there will be a measure of peace.

fredamans said...

I know exactly how you feel since losing my own Father. There is so many issues surrounding his death. At least you had a great relationship. Hold that dear to you always, and know he is always with you.

You are a ringer of him for sure.

(((HUGS)))

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Wow. You look just like your dad.

~jill said...

It's wonderful that you have so many great pics.

I lost both my parents several years ago and honestly, I didn't think the crushing pain would ever pass. But it did and the happy memories are soothing now. praying for you and yours.

Carina said...

He had very kind eyes, and it looks like the two of you are about to enjoy a good laugh together. Thank you for sharing this memory with us.

katney said...

It has been fifteen years since I lost my dad--my mother soon afterwards. Sunday we sang one of the hymns that were sung at both their funerals. I didn't cry till after Mass.

Peg Cherre said...

This is a really great picture. Shows how much you two enjoyed each other. Take heart - some day the pain will lessen and you will be able to call up all the good times with ease. It will take time, but it will happen.

Holly Schwendiman said...

Can't think of a better representation of a picture being worth a thousand words, unless maybe it's being worth a thousand feelings.

Hugs,
Holly

Jen said...

That pain hits like a bolt of lightning out of the blue sometimes, doesn't it?
So uninvited, yet always nearby.

Time brings a sweetness, Carmi.
For me it has. I hope it does for you and yours, too.

MorahMommy said...

Wow, I never realized how much you look like your dad until I saw this picture.

I'm glad you put up a picture of him. I miss him and I love seeing you two together.

Together we can get through anything my Sweet.

xoxo

sage said...

That's a good picture and I know what you mean about the peace of knowing it's there... I'm also sure that in the decades to come, you're children will cherish it. Blessings and peace.

Carol said...

I am so sorry to hear that your Dad passed away. He was surely a great Dad... and I say that because he raised a wonderful son, he must have been very proud of you. My heart goes out to your Mom too, it must be very difficult for her... and even though family and friends are there to help, there will always be those alone moments when the sadness settles in and the emptiness of going on without that person grabs hold.... somehow, we find a way to deal with the heartache.... and always, the heart aches.

My Deepest Sympathy to you and your family Carmi..... you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Love Carol & Robert