I think I'm becoming somewhat antisocial in my old age. There's no way to tell how losing a parent will affect you, of course, but as time slowly, painfully marches on to a point where most folks would say "I'm back", I'm beginning to realize that I'm nowhere near as far along the process as they seem to want me to be.
As an example, I offer my apparent desire to not be around people. It's selective, of course. I enjoy hanging around my wife because, let's be honest, who else will listen to my never-ending techno-journalistic-analytic-social-media drivel? I also enjoy hanging around our kids because they're little packages of goodness who remind me that life does indeed go on. I also like the sound of their voices, but that's a story for another day.
But the everyday stuff - meeting other parents at school pickup and dropoff, attending meetings, even picking up the phone - riles me more than it ever has. Most days, I don't feel like talking. It's not that I have nothing to say. Anyone who knows me knows that I can talk pretty much endlessly. But I often find myself simply not wanting to.
And it's not because the folks I meet are inherently icky. In the classic "it's me, not you" spirit, I rather like most of them. I just don't want to hear the sound of my own voice, I don't want someone else to share yet more bad news with me, I don't want to take on yet more weight on my shoulders, and I just want to return to my quiet office at home so I can be alone with my words, my tunes and my dog.
I'm sure this, too, will eventually pass. I know at some point I'll go back to not giving it a second thought as a friend or a stranger approaches me when I'm out and about and starts yakking in my ear. I know I'll eventually come out of my self-imposed cocoon and revert to the somewhat interactive social being I've always been. I think I just need a little more quiet time to figure it all out.*
Your turn: Ever feel the need to get some distance? Do tell...
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* But don't worry. I'll keep writing. That particular voice seems to be unaffected.
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7 comments:
(Carmi)...after my father died (and later when my mother died), I was extremely selective about my interactions with others. That has been about 14 years now, but I find I am becoming more selective even now. Seems we have to make the years we do have worthwhile and not waste them with those who are spiritual vampires.
Hi It's been a while. I find myself in the same boat in the offline world. With my chronic illnesses, I don't get out and socialize as much as I used to do, with the exception of my family. Maybe you'll feel more like socializing at another time
Carmi,
I so TOTALY understand how you are feeling...
After loosing my wife, and our unborn twins, in April, I felt like I just wanted to go too... In fact, when I got the 'nod' to take up a position in Qatar, this kicked me out of depression somewhat. But after getting a call this week saying that they are no longer going ahead with the position, I am feeling somewhat 'lost' again, and will be taking leave until the New Year from work.
I am simply going to spend some time for ME, and I encourage you to do the same. Enjoy your family, and enjoy being YOU!!!
People seem to go in phases like that. For quite a long time, I was addicted to being around what was happening in the online games. Sometimes, I'd just log in and have a listen to the chat, I'd not actually play the game.
But now I've switched to a different phase where the online company isn't as interesting (maybe it's the people involved now compared to the people involved before)
Like most stuff, things and moods pass. Hopefully when wounds heal you'll be able to come out of retreat :-)
PS Think I'm in a sort of retreat like that myself, not much blogposting going on from me at the moment (mebbe I've managed to bury some of my issues that made me blog in the first place :-)
Nine years widowed and 3.5 years without my first born... I'm still working on Trust. Yeah, I know there's a lot to be said about connecting, some days I'd just rather not take the risk. Especially knowing all y'all are gonna die.
Then there's the other days when I forget and I connect and it's as wonderful as all get out...
I guess you'd say I'm right smack in the midst of risk/benefit analysis of Love <3
Mmm... distance never seems to be a problem. I get plenty of that. But then again, I don't have a job that thrusts me in front of people on a daily basis.
Somebody once said to me, "You are exactly where you are supposed to be." Meaning, in my mind at least, that you play the hand in front of you and don't worry about whether or not it's what you "should" be doing. Because really, what else can you do?
I think it is normal to need some time and space to heal. My dad died when I was growing up (I was 12, he was 36) and I remember feeling so lost and alone. It was hard to put my feelings into words and at that age, most kids just didn't know how deep that loss is.
Now, there are days when I just don't want to talk about my day. Recently there was a situation with a child who was abused. I have a lot to say on the matter - then again, sometimes I am just speechless.
Great post. Great writing. I like thought provoking stuff!
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